Into the Weekend 10.25.24

Even though the border is only about a 90-minute drive north (or a 4-hour drive north for someone from Wisconsin), Wisconsin is literally a different planet. With their habits, customs, and innate characteristics, Cheeseheads are just, um, different.

Consider that they still save money by checking out their books from the library and by cutting out and collecting coupons from the local papers. They refuse to order anything online; but if they do, they don’t believe in returning it if it doesn’t fit and wouldn’t even know how to do so. Their hors d'oeuvres of choice is Merkts wine cheese spread on saltines. They compare notes on fishing. They have lifelong pen pals. They never take their clothes out to be dry cleaned and they change their own flat tires. 

They don't know what to make of collar stays. In their upscale restaurants, they make all their dishes fancy by drizzling balsamic vinegar glaze in various designs. Cranking the heat means setting the thermostat up to 62 degrees. They don’t know what a caterer is or even how to spell the word. They are very scared of taxi cabs. They don’t go to podiatrists. Many are still trying to get cable. 

They don’t believe in massages. 

They don’t know how to honk and they take it personally when you flip them off. They wake up at 5am. They sleep through the night. They still use the words mufflers and rubbers to describe clothing items. Auto-correct confuses them. So do protein shakes and tasting menus. They take their sports teams too seriously, but they never shout expletives when there’s a bad play. They stop without proceeding into the intersection when making a left turn, even if it means they (and everyone behind them) have to wait a half hour to turn left.

They refuse to throw out old towels and sheets. Or anything else, for that matter. They all still have landlines and answering machines. They don’t redecorate. Or whiten their teeth. Or hire housekeepers. They would never fly business class, even if you use miles. 

They just now started going beyond spaghetti and exploring different pasta shapes.

They rake their leaves every day, they pay their taxes way ahead of time (and would never think of applying for an extension), and they stay in their homes until their mortgage is paid off. They don’t count calories or hire personal trainers.

However, for all of the quirks and eccentricities exhibited by many of those living north of the state line, this lifelong Chicagoan remains very thankful to the state of Wisconsin for giving me a very special Cheesehead with whom I’ve spent the last 38 years. And even though Yoni (thankfully) has slowly morphed into a quasi-Chicagoan himself, I could not be more excited for the next 38 - even with Packers’ games playing on the TV at full blast.